Girls, Girls, Girls!

It's been said (by women) for as long as I can remember that it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind... Since, without women, grown men would probably be living in spaces that would look like a cross between a tree-fort and a squat house, we've let them get away with it.

But, through the years, it's changed from a series of flighty decisions to a bona fide double standard on most issues...

For example, my Mom is no women's-libber, as she'd be the first to tell you (using that archaic expression.) However, like any rational person, she thinks that a woman who is doing the same job as a man should make the same money as a man. That's only fair... Now, try to get my Mom to hold a door open for a man! The thought of that is only slightly more absurd than the thought of giving Jesus the finger.

She's not the only woman who has taken to this idea of double standards...

Another dreadful example is how women tell you that they've got to pee... They LOVE to let you know that! As soon as their bladder starts to fill up, they blurt that information right out.

But you'll never hear a girl say, "I'll be right back, I need to go take a shit..."

But why not?!! The thought of you pissing isn't somehow cute! Most guys don't wanna hear about either one!

Even worse is that a girl that will piss on the phone with you! The same girl who thinks its gross to see a bug will let you listen to her as she drops liquid waste out of her body.

Also under the umbrella of "double standards" is their feeling that it's okay to just outright lie...

If you're a girl who's reading this and you think that I'm being a little harsh, or you think that you don't lie, let me ask you this: how many guys have you been with?

Now, counting EVERYTHING, how many guys have you been with?

That first number was a lie.

Another thing they love to lie about is what kind of guy they want to be with...

According to a study, when women are looking for a mate they say the three most important things are faithfulness, kindness and a good sense of humor…. But, again, they are LYING!

If they weren't, the biggest sex symbol in the last 500 years would be Santa Claus!

It's not their fault though... Our society, which I admit is run by men, makes them feel that they need to be dishonest. They say they want a guy who can make them laugh, still somehow, the loneliest and most depressed group of people on earth are stand-up comedians! Trust ME!

I hope I didn't pull the curtain back too far there, but its true! After every show the comics go home alone and bitter. You get started in a job like comedy because you want to meet girls… It's not for the money – and you've been told your whole life that girls want a guy who's funny.

And, after every show pretty girls come up to you and tell you how funny you are... "oh my god, you're so good! the last time i laughed that hard, i popped one of my braces off! I love a guy who's funny! Aright now I'm gonna go home with some one who fucks better than you do..."

It's true - a comic, the funniest people on earth, cant get laid in a mattress store!

"It must be great to be so funny... You must be so much fun to hang around with... Okay, I have to leave with a guy who can't even tell knock-knock-joke, but has a dick like a roll of cookie dough."

Eh, who am I to blame them? Everybody loves cookie dough...

Hack-O Jack-O

The Michael Jackson trial just ended, which is terrible!

I'm not upset about this from a comedic stand point, because really, all the Mike Jackson/kid toucher jokes that there were to be done, were made while America was still enjoying the band Soul Asylum.

I'm not upset about the verdict either... I, for one, think it's fine that he got off, and that they found him Not Guilty... (Well, there were one or two jokes still left.)

The real problem with the ending of this trial is the amount of self-important dunces that are taking this as an opportunity to tell you the same shit every OTHER Neanderthal is saying.

This morning on my drive into work I heard a woman on the radio get up on her soap box and actually say, "no matter what the court finds, it's up to US, as parents to keep our kids out of Michael Jackson's bed..."

Well, yes you fuckin' idiot!

And she was so proud of herself too! She said it like she really thought that an American flag was gonna fall down behind her!

"It's up to the parents to keep a kid out of Michael Jackson's bed, or the bed of ANY grown man for that matter""

Wow - thanks, Mother of the Year! What's tomorrows lesson? "It's important to remember that its up to US as parents to make surethat we don't throw our kids into a cage full of lions!!"

It'd be one thing if it was just one or two people, but everyone is acting like they are the bastions of knowledge that discovered this. If I had a dollar for every cheap applause-line I've heard someone use since this thing ended, I'd have enough money to get a shot-gun to properly deal with them!

All I'm saying is that it's up to US as people, to say - hey stop telling us things we already know to try to make yourself seem like an insightful, respectable member of society!

(Well, as they say, if you cant beat 'em...)