One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others . . . Right?!

I happened to see a picture of my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend today (thank you, Myspace) and it got me thinking...

You ever see the guys who went out with your girl before you and the ones going out with her after and wonder to yourself: am I that ugly?

The new guy is a round-faced fella with soupy eyes that seem to have the slightest touch of Down's and the kind of facial hair a child would use to try to buy beer... while the last guy was a chubby character with a vaguely "Friar Tuck" haircut and the kinda look in his eyes that, in a cartoon, would say "vacancy."

Now, I admit that I have the self confidence of a crippled rape victim, but how the hell am I part of this fraternity?!

Was I fatter when we met? Did I look like I'm in danger of swallowing my own tongue?! Maybe it seemed like "socks THEN shoes" would confuse me for a minute?

I should have known this was gonna be a problem early-on when we were talking about what celebrities we thought were hot.

I started the conversation by saying how I'd cure cancer, AIDs and boredom to get Kira Knightly... and she followed it with raves about the hotness of Tom Green, the old man from the Six Flags commercials and the kid from "Mask."

Which would make anyone wonder: if that's who she thought was hot, was that the league she thought I was in?

Countless sleepless nights later, I realized that if the girl you're with starts telling you how she's RELAXED to a picture of the Predator... just get the hell out.

One way or the other it's GUARANTEED to be heartache.