Chix With Stix

Since I love hockey, but I don't love any job that would pay me enough to afford cable TV, I have to watch any hockey that is on around me... even if it's hockey players that bleed with-out being cut.

Now, it's no real surprise that when I've excitedly asked people if they've seen any of the Olympic women's ice hockey the look at me like I just asked if their cat needed a blow job... but they don't know what they are missing! (In women's hockey, I mean.)

I'm man enough to admit that I sat around a hotel the first weekend of the Olympics and watched some chix hockey - and I am glad I did. Otherwise, I would have missed the opportunity to see the Canadian women's team route Italy's women 16-0.

That's right - sixteen to nothing. That's a beating that rivals what Kobe Bryant's dick will do to the inside of a white girl's vagina.

Not only did Canada shut Italy out, but they did it while scoring a record setting sixteen goals. I know that Italy isn't a big hockey country and Canada is, but 16-0 is still simply humiliating.

That's not just walking-out-of-the-bathroom-with-toilet-paper-on-your-shoe humiliation, either.

That's worse than the kind of humiliation that usually happens in a dungeon from a woman who's first name is 'Mistress'. That's the kind of humiliation that you usually have to pay a stranger for, because even if it turns you on, something in your spouse's head limits them from treating you that way.

That's letting-a-fat-hooker-shit-in-your-mouth-while-your-high-school-classmates-point-laugh-and-throw-up kind of humiliation. I don't want to spoil any future installments of this blog, but but trust me: that is humiliation.

Usually after a big win like that there is a little bit of a drop-off in the next game. It's only natural that after you score 4 games worth of goals that you would be less productive the next day...

But not Canada! Those women then went on to score 7 unanswered goals in the 1st period of a game they eventually won 12-0.

How do these other teams keep skating?

The Italian goalie had to get up sixteen times with the goal light on behind her!! The next day Russian goalie did it seven times in the first 20 minutes!

At what point does someone say, "okay Canada, we get it. Over two games you are winning 28 to NOTHING! We give up - hockey is your sport!!"

After Canada's rape of the Italian team, the Canadians were nice enough to say how much they admired the hearts of team Italy. (No mention was made of their admiration of team Italy's talent, but it was a nice gesture.)

Canada is nothing if not a gracious winner. They were even nice enough to have dinner with Italy after the big win... As a matter of fact, Canada was so nice that when the Italian women asked for autographs - they signed them!

Yes, you read that correctly: the Italian team was beaten so badly that they wanted the signatures of the women who did it to them.

With self esteem that low, I don't know why there aren't more Italian girls in porn.

Getting autographs from Canada after they pulled your pants down in front of the whole world and gave you the Justin Volpe Treatment would be like going out for some drinks with friends and getting a 7 iron in the the jaw that knocks all of your teeth... Then, after scraping yourself off the floor, you find the guy who laid you out and complement him of his incredible swing. Its just nuts.

Watching the two games I felt bad for both teams, but I think that my heart went out a little more to the Italian team. Seeing them suffer such a ridiculous defeat I just kept thinking that when this embarrassment ends, they are still gonna be a team of full of women covered in back hair.

After having a few days to digest all of this I decided that things probably went they way they were supposed to, because if anyone is gonna get a beating, it should be a woman with a moustache.