A REAL Lesson At School

My family went to some $150-a-plate dinner at my old high school a few weeks ago, which got me thinking about a few things… (Not the least of which being how the fuck do they have that kinda cash?)

When they got home we did some reminiscing about high school, and I mentioned how much I loved recess. My girlfriend was there and couldn't believe that as a student in high school I still had recess.

After refuting a barrage of questions revolving around wither or not I got to this school on a short bus, I explained that they didn't CALL it recess, but we did have a good amount of time after lunch before our next class that we were supposed to spend outside. Since I'm not here to rename the wheel, I'll just call it recess and move on.

Mystified, and with a rather snotty tone in her voice, she asked what we did at recess. One day, I confessed, I used the time to push a fat kid through a window…

See, on this particular day I was hanging out with a kid named Big Al. I'm not gonna say it was right, but that's what he was called. The problem was that Big Al was just that; Big. So, when I playfully pushed him in the school yard, I expected him to be moved a few feet backward and stop there. But, as I said, Big Al was just that; Big.

The thing I didn't take into account when I pushed Big Al was inertia. Inertia is a fancy way of saying that something that's moving is probably gonna keep moving, and Big Al was a greater victim of inertia than most.

When he got to the place on the ground that I figured his feet would stop, they did… but all that did was take the fat on Big Al's arms, legs, chest, earlobes, eye lids, etc. and swing it back - basically pushing him all over again.

Now, I wasn't exactly a math-wiz, but in my head I began to do some sort of crazy equation that tried to determine where Big Al was likely to stop. As I did this, it became clear that it was not gonna end well for me or Big Al.

As his back began to pass through a nearby window, the crashing sound brought teachers from far and wide like lambs to the slaughter - MY slaughter. I figured that was it, and got ready to spend the time it would take for my parents to come and get me thinking of a perfectly valid reason I got thrown out of school for attempted murder.

But, with great looks of concern, all the teachers did was ask if I'd take Big Al down to the nurse. I stood there in disbeliefe for a second, then realized it was probably smart to get moving before they changed thier minds.

Big Al was fine. No visible blood or shards of glass hanging out of his Big skin, but we went anyway, and, in that second I started to walk to the nurse's office I learned a terrific lesson that I've tried to use every time I've been in trouble since:

If you're gonna get in trouble, always make sure there is the threat of injury, so that when everyone is safe, people are too thankful to be mad at you.

[Corny Public Service Announcement music fades out]