Forward Thinking

What do fruit that looks like a penis, a threat of gang-related violence and my "porn name" all have in common?

No, the answer is not that they all involve me getting fucked, (well not in the traditional sense, anyway.) The connection is that I have been annoyed by all of them in a forwarded email!

If you have my email address, if you might have it, if you know someone who has it, if you know how to get it, if you plan to get it, if you lost it, if you can read these words - STOP WITH THE FUCKIN' FORWARDS!!

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This just in from our News Department: forwards are never interesting! Never! They are never funny! They are never amusing! They only serve to waste the time of OCD types too neurotic to just press delete without wondering if there really IS something I need to see in there. (i.e. me!)

Forwards are a lot of pressure, and I'm tired of it! If I don't forward this to everyone in my inbox in the next ten minutes I won't get to make three wishes or some kid will die from cancer...

I don't need that kinda responsibility! I don't want my lack of participation to be the reason that God won't bless our troops.

Forwarding an email isnt thoughtful either, so don't try to go that route. There's no effort in them. I'd rather you click on my name and just drop your hands on the keyboard.

"Dear Ray,

a;sl akxslkjx.cz 'lkjdfsalksdjfa'...

Love,
Dad"

We have to stop forwards!

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And this is where you can do your part...

Just copy the text between the stars and send my "anti-forwarding campaign" to everyone email address you have. Do it in the next 69 seconds or your computer will melt from a special strand of computer syphilis.

See - being American, I know the only way to fight fire IS with fire! If you can't beat them, join them. That's why I've come up with my OWN forward list. It's simple: if your email address comes to ME in a forwarded email - you are now on my forward list.

Like all proud parents, I take pictures of my baby virtually non-stop, and naturally I love to share those pictures with everyone I can. So, if your email address is included in something that gets forwarded to me you can look forward to getting an email each week with some photos of my baby.

As a matter of fact, I have to go now so I can comb the baby's hair. I want to be sure it looks good for this week's photos...



And, you have to know that by "baby" I mean my sack.