Sense and Scentability

There's a limitless number of things that can (and do) annoy you through out the course of your day. The "witty" bumper sticker/t-shirt... People who think the 12 item limit in the express lane doesn't fuckin' apply to them... Maybe even reading this blog....

But the worst thing on Earth has to be the guy who wears too much cologne. The guy who you know if he's in the building or not WITHOUT EVER SEEING HIM! The guy who showered in Drakkar Noir this morning, yesterday morning and every morning since he was old enough to think shaving made him seem older.

Please note that, for whatever reason, this doesn't apply to women. I used to know a girl that wore enough vanilla body spray to cover a body 15 times the size of hers, and every second of it was delightful. She would come to my house and for literally 4 days afterward the place still smelled like an ice cream parlor, and it was great.

Smelling a girl, any girl, sometimes even a girl you wouldnt fuck if it'd cure cancer, is terrific.

But, having to smell Mr. Too-Strongly-Scented is insufferable. Knowing that his sent, and in some small, disgusting way HE HIMSELF has gotten into your body is revolting. It's violating! It's worse than being raped!

I'm not sure how, but I am sure it is.

The guy who sometimes bathes in whatever mosquito-repellent he calls "aftershave" two or three times a day if he just got back from a round of golf or if he thinks that he can fuck the cute girl at work.

No. Let me rephrase that: when he thinks he's gonna fuck the cute girl at work. Because, invariably, these guys are the office scum bag as well.

Mr. Too-Strongly-Scented could also be Mr. Thinks-He's-A-Big-Wheel... Mr. Thinks-He's-The-Most-Popular-Guy-At-The-Christmas-Party... or Mr. Thinks-He'd-Be-Doing-Any-Girl-A-FAVOR...

You know, the guy who (wither he knows your name or not) calls you "tiger." The guy who will address a 30 year old co-worker as "sport." The guy who calls everone "guy."

This beloved man, the one who seems squarely in a mid life crisis for as long as anyone remembers, with no real sign of stopping. This pillar of the community who thinks that we all need to breath deep and inhale him into our souls, both figuratively and literally.

This man who's arrogance usually knows no bounds... The same one that, if no one was looking, you'd love to just hit in the sternum with an aluminum bat over, and over, and over till he was merely a pile of bloody pulp that we could pour onto a fancy little body and sell as "Musk of Couldn't-Be-A-Bigger-Asshole."

You know we'd make millions.