And the Winner Isn't...

We just past Nobel Peace Prize Season, and I have to admit that I love that time of the year. I love it because, for me, it's one thing that I know will never lead to disappointment.

There's never gonna be a year that I'm sitting by my phone thinking to myself, you know, this could be my year.

It's never gonna be my year! Ive got about the same chance of winning any of the Nobel Prizes as I do of putting together a three-some with the Virgin Mary.

I'm sure statements like that go a long way toward ensuring that I will NEVER win, but it's more than that. I'm starting to see that I'm just not a nice person.

If you've read any of my other entries, you've seen that I'm not really nice to that Singin' Hillbilly, the First Lady, the Material Girl, etc... but it's not like celebrities are the only people I'm mean to.

There are a lot of hurricanes where I live, which doesn't bother me, but it makes my friends and family very panicky. During Hurricane season I get a call once a week asking if I'm okay and if I'm about to be washed away...

One time I got a text message on my cell phone just saying "are you alive?" To which I had to text back, "No. But the good news is there IS an afterlife... and they get cell reception."

At this point I realize that I'm more than a little mean spirited... In truth, I am just a real piece of shit.

I was out to dinner with friends last week and a guy comes into the restaurant with a big head. I mean giant... his head was so big it should have be being led down the street by Macy's employees... This is what it would look like if you gave birth to a water-tower. That kinda big.

Naturally I comment on this to my friend and the guy hears me. He tells me off, and then goes to his table.

Then it hit me! I felt something I've never felt before: guilt.

I felt so bad that I wrote a note and sent it over to his table to apologize. My heart was in the right place - how could I have known that when he bent down to read it he'd break his neck?!

Just kidding... but when I walked by his table to leave, I did push his head back and take some candy out of his neck.

I'm not nice, but I know an opportunity when I see one!