Guest Blog:WATER GLOBES ARE FOR ASSHOLES!

For a while I’ve been toying with the idea of letting other people do my work for me. Ok, honestly, its been my life’s work. (Isn’t that rich with irony?)

Maybe I'd have less work to do if I could just stay on topic…

Anyway, for a while I’ve been wanting to get other people to write something here and for the first time I’m proud to say that I’ve tricked someone into doing just that! I have given the It’s Better Than Nothing forum fully to my girlfriend. She has concocted an interesting (if not factually accurate) glimpse of life with yours truly...

A glimpse that I will have to refute in a future blog, but before I can shine the light of truth on her story, we must let the yellow journalism begin!

Rays brother Chris is getting married in a couple of weeks and of course Ray’s not sure what he wants to get him for a gift. I find out that they’re registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and go online to try to pick out some stuff. Ray says he has an $80.00 budget. Ok - fine. Whatever. So I find some things that I think may be nice and on Saturday when we have some free time we decide to go to the store and get the stuff.

Now I admit I did make him wait in the car when we got there so I could put on my makeup... but it was 5 mins max! We get in the store and neither one of us has ever been there before so were just piddling around and we find a massager that Ray tries to kill me with as soon as I turn around. But I kinda liked it, not the killing, the massaging part ( hint, hint, hint)

So anyways, we find a sales girl and get her to print us the wedding registry so we can be sure to get the right stuff. As we’re browsing, Ray sees some sort of ball with water in it that has a golf tee and golf ball inside of it. Now the point is to try to get the golf ball to sit on the tee, but it’s a lil’ difficult because there’s water pushing the ball all over the place. Ray is immediately mesmerized. You would have thought he just saw Natalie Portman naked.

I’m not too worried that he’s playing with it cause it surely can’t be that hard, its like a $20.00 toy. The girl brings me the list and I tell Ray I’m going to look for the blender since we’re near that stuff anyways. He gives me a lil uh huh, without ever even lifting his head. At this point I’m still not too terribly concerned because I figure there’s no way its going to take him much longer; it can’t possibly!

After a good 10 minutes of me searching for the blender and still no Ray beside me, I go back to where I left him. Sure enough there’s my baby messing with a fucking water golf ball game. I pull my self together and since I’m the best, I don’t even let him know that I’m irritated. I calmly ask, hey baby do think you could try to help me find this blender, they all look the same to me?

3 mins later still no answer, or even a look of acknowledgment, im getting to be a bit perturbed. After all this gift isn’t even for MY family. I tell my self to take a deep breath and try to be happy that he’s found something to hold his attention for more than 5 seconds. After all that’s a great achievement for him.

I decide its not worth it to try to ask again as he apparently is not listening. I slowly turn around and begin to go back to continue my search for the blender.

As I walk away I hear a little boy ask Ray if he can take a turn, the lil boy’s mom says, “oh sweetheart, don’t ruin the mans fun with the water globe. And anyways, its probably too hard for you, because HE was working on it when we walked by 30 mins ago.”

I shake my head, and remind myself that he’s super good in bed.

After tearing apart the entire kitchen department, I finally find the blender the Jetson’s used and throw it in the cart.

I begin to make the dreaded walk back to where I know Ray will inevitably be standing. Im already preparing myself for how this conversation is going to work. I have all my bases covered and know there’s nothing he can say that’s going to give him the upper hand.

I walk right up to him and say, well I’ve got it. Now we just have to get a few more things and it will add to the $80.00 you want to spend. He does at least acknowledge my existence this time and says cool, but look at how close I am to getting the ball to sit on the tee.

Are you fucking kidding me, I scream back?

But baby, I have to finish, I’ve almost got it to sit on there perfectly so many times. I’m so close. I have too. I NEED too. And he goes back to working on his globe.

I now realize that trying to be nice is not going to work. If you don’t put that piece of shit down, here’s what’s going to happen, I’m going to turn around, walk out the door, get I’m my car, and drive away! I’m positive that will get his attention. He looks up like he might of thought someone was speaking to him and says, “what? Were you talking to me?”

U G H, I FUCKING HATE YOU!

Then, of all things to say, he says, lets make a deal.

What the fuck are you talking about, were not on the game show network! A deal? Right… What the hell type of nonsense is about to come out of his mouth? This better be good!

”You can go buy whatever you want for Chris and Kate, until I finish with this game.”

WELL, that does shake things up a bit! If there is ONE thing Ray knows about me, its that I like to spend money he doesn’t have.

Ok, you’ve got a deal. The next time I go back and have a cart full of misc bullshit he will definitely come to his senses and he’ll be ready to go.

I’d say about 35 mins passes, and I’ve now got enough stuff to decorate the entire bathroom, and a different scented candle for each day of the year.

Well, this should do the trick.

I walk over with my head held high, and let him know I’ll meet him at the register. I see him out of the corner of my eye, he looks up and kinda gasps.

Huh, that’s what you get, I smirk to myself.

”But, ah, uh.... I was just kidding… I didn’t r e a l l y want you to go
buy stuff till I finished.”

Too damn bad, ‘cause that’s sure as shit what you told me to do.

”But, I don’t have enough money for all of this.”

Well I don’t know what you want me to do? You told me to go shop, what’s a girl to do? And let me also remind you that I was invited to this wedding as ‘and guest’, so trust me when I say I feel like I went above and beyond what was necessary.

”FUCK!......FINE, well how much is all this shit?”

I don’t have a clue, I didn’t look at prices.

”But, I can’t go over $80.00.”

Well too bad you didn’t make that part of your lil deal! Maybe if you wouldn’t have been playing with a watery ball of shit all day, you wouldn’t be in this lil predicament.

”I have to take some of this back, there’s no way I can buy all of this.”

Ugh, fine, fine , fine, go put a few things back and meet me in the line. I can’t believe I’m going to let you get away with this, just know that you owe me big time. You know maybe, a little purse, by um, what’s that designer I like?... oh yeah, GUCCI.

I go get in line behind 8 sets of customers, holy shit, I’m going to be her forever. But, at least it’ll give him plenty of time to put back the stuff and get here to pay for this crap.

Lum, dum, de, de, dum, la, do, de, da, fa, la, la, ok, this is taking F O R
E V E R!

Finally, I’m at the register, but where the hell is Ray, there’s no way he’s still putting stuff back. Ugh, I have to get out of line like a fucking moron, and go find him. I walk to the bathroom dept and figure he got stuck trying to find where to put things in the right spot. No, no Ray to be found. I walk through the whole store, until I think I see him, but no, it can’t be, he is not really hiding in a corner playing that globe game.

Holy shit, he is, what the fuck?!

RAY, what the hell are you doing, I waited in line for 25 mins and got to the checkout counter and had to leave the line ‘cause you weren’t there! Ugh, and you didn’t even put the stuff away! I can’t stand you. Im fucking leaving, and if you want a ride out of here, you need to carry your ass, now!

But, Heather.......

NOW!

But I’ve almost got it, just one more minute. Pleeeeaaaasseee.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Heather is a beautiful, loving (if not delusional) mother, girlfriend and Bank employee.