Throw Me A Bone

The comedy world may not be a world that I can say that I'm in, but I certainly can see it from where I'm standing... and when you are that close you need to do things to get into the planetary atmosphere. One of the things you can do is to "bark."

This has nothing to do with Arsenio Hall, the great DMX or trying to determine who it was that let the dogs out... "Barking" is basically the act of standing on the sidewalk and trying to talk people into the comedy club.

I got to have my first barking experience last week, and I can't say that they call it "barking" because you feel like a dog, but I can tell you that you really do.

One of the greatest parts about barking is that it makes you invisible - not just your body, but I guess your clothes too. I know that I'm standing there, I know that I'm saying, "stand-up comedy show tonight," and I know that people walk past me like they hear or see nothing.

I'm not sure if that's the best, though, but I do know the worst is that I had a woman walk by and completely ignore me - but that wasn't enough for her. As she got about 9 feet away from me she actually turned to the people she was with and asked, "did you see the way I ignored him?"

Yep. This bitch was celebrating!

Again, its hard to be sure which parts of this are the best, but another one in the running is the Oh-You're-A-Comic-Then-Tell-Me-A-Joke Guy. This dismissive asshole is one of a kind. Well more accurately, he's really one in ten people, but he's not as bad as the Tell-Me-Where-[Obscure Business]-Is Guy.

I guess there is something about standing outside that makes you look like either a map or the yellow pages.

I had a guy come up to me and ask where a Chinese food place was. If I could tell him of one, he'd let me give him our little handbill with the show information on it.

Does this motherfucker think he walked onto the set of Let's Make a Deal?! I'm not trying to win a new car, I just want to give you a little card.

Speaking of the card!

Judging by the way these people act, you'd think I was trying to hand them anthrax!!! I particularly enjoy the people who run past me like a football player moving down the sideline trying to get a few more feet before he's pushed out of bounds. Do these people think I'm gonna tackle them with a little flyer?!

They must think that because as they run past some of them even put their hands out and make the invisible fence while they do that tippy-toe run players do while trying to stay on the edge of a football field.

I guess there must be something menacing about 10 or 15 square-inches of (literally) paper-thin cardboard. I could understand this mentality if I was walking at you with a meat cleaver... but I'm not.

So, for the good of everyone involved, treat the barker with a little respect - no scratch that - just treat them with some good old common courtesy. Please.

Because if not, the meat cleaver scenario can be arranged.