Something Old, Something New...

First of all, if you haven't taken the opportunity to read Guest Blog: Water Globes Are For Assholes, you really need to. In that epic work of fiction my own girlfriend calls me names, rapes the truth worse than an Oliver Stone film all while providing the starting point for this entry.

Now, if you're like me, reading lies scratches your eye-balls like sand paper. Therefore, I will save you the trouble of unnecessary cornea scraping by only re-printing the bare minimum of eye ruining words here...

Any man with a girlfriend/wife/picture of a female knows that when J. K. Lying writes I admit I did make him wait [...] so I could put on my makeup... but it was 5 mins max! it is an old fashioned, bold faced, lie.

Whats worse, any woman with more than 10 or 11 minutes of experience with men should know that we'd rather have you walk around with a face that looks like it was bounced off of Tito Ortiz's fist than to waste one second waiting around.

Another passage I enjoyed was, right after a series of dreamed up events, including a bunch of uncalled for attacks and insults directed at me, Lie-a Angelue claims that all I could muster up was, look[ing] up like [I] might of thought someone was speaking to [me] and [saying], "what? Were you talking to me?"

Now I'm a lot of awful things, (see: any other blog on here) but I am attentive to a fault!

Before someone would write this kind of profanity laced tirade you'd have to think I was sodomizing her with the water globe!

Of course, you'd be wrong, but I can see where you'd think it. Especially when she closes that part of the story by saying, U G H, I FUCKING HATE YOU!

At this point you'd probably move from thinking I was attacking her with the water globe to WISHING I was.

Another brilliant piece of fiction from Patricia Lieswell is when she says I don't even let him know that I'm irritated...

For your information, ladies, we always know when you're irritated. We just pretend not to know or understand why because thats the best way to get you off of our backs.

We're not saying that you've put on weight or anything, but carrying you there does get tiring after a while.

Speaking of my laziness, the fact of the matter here is this: I wanted to get all of the shopping done online! Its 2005! We can point and click our way to happiness, which is exactly what I told her i wanted to do.

For a little bit of context, she notes that a stranger's child wanted to play with the game, his mother had to point out it must not be an easy game because "... he was working on it when we walked by 30 mins ago."

Well, as much of a liar as my girlfriend is, when she's right - she's right. But, in the end, A N Y time wasted she brought on herself. As far as I know, theres no "Water Globe" online.

I think you get the point... Instead of disputing her entry word by word, I'd rather just invite you to join us for her next (equally factual) Guest Blog: Peter Pan Just Stole My Wallet.

Gift buying experience aside, the wedding was wonderful.

My brother and his new bride are both Marines, so the held it at Camp Lejune in North Carolina. This was the first time I had been to a wedding at a Marine Base, and it was great. It was also the first time I saw a wedding favor that you had to pull a pin out of to use.

The wedding cake was delicious, and also marked the first time I ate anything shaped like a machine gun.

It wasn't without its problems, though. It was the only wedding where I saw someone ask if there was anything they could do to help, and they got deployed to Iraq.

The worst problem came during my toast. My brother interrupted it which was bad because my brain automatically went into "deal-with-the-heckler" mode.

It's all a little merky, but I know I was at a point in my speech where I was joking about where the bridal party was gonna have the after party... my brother said that he wasn't interested in hearing about the location of an after-party that he wasn't going to... and I pointed out that was because the woman in the white dress next to him was sitting on his after party...

It gets REALLY hazy after that, but I remember waking up with the distinct impression that the bride's father had never really heard his daughter's body referred to like that.