Guest Blog:WATER GLOBES ARE FOR ASSHOLES!

For a while I’ve been toying with the idea of letting other people do my work for me. Ok, honestly, its been my life’s work. (Isn’t that rich with irony?)

Maybe I'd have less work to do if I could just stay on topic…

Anyway, for a while I’ve been wanting to get other people to write something here and for the first time I’m proud to say that I’ve tricked someone into doing just that! I have given the It’s Better Than Nothing forum fully to my girlfriend. She has concocted an interesting (if not factually accurate) glimpse of life with yours truly...

A glimpse that I will have to refute in a future blog, but before I can shine the light of truth on her story, we must let the yellow journalism begin!

Rays brother Chris is getting married in a couple of weeks and of course Ray’s not sure what he wants to get him for a gift. I find out that they’re registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and go online to try to pick out some stuff. Ray says he has an $80.00 budget. Ok - fine. Whatever. So I find some things that I think may be nice and on Saturday when we have some free time we decide to go to the store and get the stuff.

Now I admit I did make him wait in the car when we got there so I could put on my makeup... but it was 5 mins max! We get in the store and neither one of us has ever been there before so were just piddling around and we find a massager that Ray tries to kill me with as soon as I turn around. But I kinda liked it, not the killing, the massaging part ( hint, hint, hint)

So anyways, we find a sales girl and get her to print us the wedding registry so we can be sure to get the right stuff. As we’re browsing, Ray sees some sort of ball with water in it that has a golf tee and golf ball inside of it. Now the point is to try to get the golf ball to sit on the tee, but it’s a lil’ difficult because there’s water pushing the ball all over the place. Ray is immediately mesmerized. You would have thought he just saw Natalie Portman naked.

I’m not too worried that he’s playing with it cause it surely can’t be that hard, its like a $20.00 toy. The girl brings me the list and I tell Ray I’m going to look for the blender since we’re near that stuff anyways. He gives me a lil uh huh, without ever even lifting his head. At this point I’m still not too terribly concerned because I figure there’s no way its going to take him much longer; it can’t possibly!

After a good 10 minutes of me searching for the blender and still no Ray beside me, I go back to where I left him. Sure enough there’s my baby messing with a fucking water golf ball game. I pull my self together and since I’m the best, I don’t even let him know that I’m irritated. I calmly ask, hey baby do think you could try to help me find this blender, they all look the same to me?

3 mins later still no answer, or even a look of acknowledgment, im getting to be a bit perturbed. After all this gift isn’t even for MY family. I tell my self to take a deep breath and try to be happy that he’s found something to hold his attention for more than 5 seconds. After all that’s a great achievement for him.

I decide its not worth it to try to ask again as he apparently is not listening. I slowly turn around and begin to go back to continue my search for the blender.

As I walk away I hear a little boy ask Ray if he can take a turn, the lil boy’s mom says, “oh sweetheart, don’t ruin the mans fun with the water globe. And anyways, its probably too hard for you, because HE was working on it when we walked by 30 mins ago.”

I shake my head, and remind myself that he’s super good in bed.

After tearing apart the entire kitchen department, I finally find the blender the Jetson’s used and throw it in the cart.

I begin to make the dreaded walk back to where I know Ray will inevitably be standing. Im already preparing myself for how this conversation is going to work. I have all my bases covered and know there’s nothing he can say that’s going to give him the upper hand.

I walk right up to him and say, well I’ve got it. Now we just have to get a few more things and it will add to the $80.00 you want to spend. He does at least acknowledge my existence this time and says cool, but look at how close I am to getting the ball to sit on the tee.

Are you fucking kidding me, I scream back?

But baby, I have to finish, I’ve almost got it to sit on there perfectly so many times. I’m so close. I have too. I NEED too. And he goes back to working on his globe.

I now realize that trying to be nice is not going to work. If you don’t put that piece of shit down, here’s what’s going to happen, I’m going to turn around, walk out the door, get I’m my car, and drive away! I’m positive that will get his attention. He looks up like he might of thought someone was speaking to him and says, “what? Were you talking to me?”

U G H, I FUCKING HATE YOU!

Then, of all things to say, he says, lets make a deal.

What the fuck are you talking about, were not on the game show network! A deal? Right… What the hell type of nonsense is about to come out of his mouth? This better be good!

”You can go buy whatever you want for Chris and Kate, until I finish with this game.”

WELL, that does shake things up a bit! If there is ONE thing Ray knows about me, its that I like to spend money he doesn’t have.

Ok, you’ve got a deal. The next time I go back and have a cart full of misc bullshit he will definitely come to his senses and he’ll be ready to go.

I’d say about 35 mins passes, and I’ve now got enough stuff to decorate the entire bathroom, and a different scented candle for each day of the year.

Well, this should do the trick.

I walk over with my head held high, and let him know I’ll meet him at the register. I see him out of the corner of my eye, he looks up and kinda gasps.

Huh, that’s what you get, I smirk to myself.

”But, ah, uh.... I was just kidding… I didn’t r e a l l y want you to go
buy stuff till I finished.”

Too damn bad, ‘cause that’s sure as shit what you told me to do.

”But, I don’t have enough money for all of this.”

Well I don’t know what you want me to do? You told me to go shop, what’s a girl to do? And let me also remind you that I was invited to this wedding as ‘and guest’, so trust me when I say I feel like I went above and beyond what was necessary.

”FUCK!......FINE, well how much is all this shit?”

I don’t have a clue, I didn’t look at prices.

”But, I can’t go over $80.00.”

Well too bad you didn’t make that part of your lil deal! Maybe if you wouldn’t have been playing with a watery ball of shit all day, you wouldn’t be in this lil predicament.

”I have to take some of this back, there’s no way I can buy all of this.”

Ugh, fine, fine , fine, go put a few things back and meet me in the line. I can’t believe I’m going to let you get away with this, just know that you owe me big time. You know maybe, a little purse, by um, what’s that designer I like?... oh yeah, GUCCI.

I go get in line behind 8 sets of customers, holy shit, I’m going to be her forever. But, at least it’ll give him plenty of time to put back the stuff and get here to pay for this crap.

Lum, dum, de, de, dum, la, do, de, da, fa, la, la, ok, this is taking F O R
E V E R!

Finally, I’m at the register, but where the hell is Ray, there’s no way he’s still putting stuff back. Ugh, I have to get out of line like a fucking moron, and go find him. I walk to the bathroom dept and figure he got stuck trying to find where to put things in the right spot. No, no Ray to be found. I walk through the whole store, until I think I see him, but no, it can’t be, he is not really hiding in a corner playing that globe game.

Holy shit, he is, what the fuck?!

RAY, what the hell are you doing, I waited in line for 25 mins and got to the checkout counter and had to leave the line ‘cause you weren’t there! Ugh, and you didn’t even put the stuff away! I can’t stand you. Im fucking leaving, and if you want a ride out of here, you need to carry your ass, now!

But, Heather.......

NOW!

But I’ve almost got it, just one more minute. Pleeeeaaaasseee.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Heather is a beautiful, loving (if not delusional) mother, girlfriend and Bank employee.

Down With a Sickness

I'm sick.

I hate it.

Is there anything worse than being sick?

I don't know why, but it always seems like a cold causes guys to fall apart harder than girls do. I'm not even dying, but for some reason every man from Adam to yours truly just feels like the common cold is a perfectly valid reason to just sit down and give up on life.

You can't help it. Being sick makes you think crazy things... which I kinda don't mind because at least for those precious few days a year I have a valid reason to wonder why I don't simply throw myself off a very tall building so I don't accidentally fall off one.

Another problem i have with being sick is that it interferes with my almost compulsive need for consistency. The fact that one second you feel like you've been hit and then backed over and then hit again by a steamroller when the next second you feel like you can probably bench press more weight right now that any man woman or child on earth really gets to me.

And for some reason, when I get sick, my extra large forehead feels like it has some sort of muscles in it. I don't mean the kinda muscles that are required to create my nearly limitless combination of disapproving and irritated scowls, but something else. Like a muscle that just wants to reach out of the right side of my forehead and shove something.

I know I still have muscles because i can feel them atrophying... well, if you can call them muscles. They feel more like globs of pudding. Its not that my muscles feel like they aren't there, there is defiantly some kind of mass where my biceps and triceps should be, but it is also definite that the mass is 100% without use.

I might as well wrap skin around cotton candy.

Being sick also sux because you spend so much time feeling light headed... but it's not only your head. Its like being light-bodied which is similar to being in a prison of lethargy.

As you can see, it's very hard to be funny when you're sick.

I think I'm gonna go and either float away or implode - but what I'm NOT gonna do is reread this. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that the only thing more annoying than being sick is being well and having to listen to someone else bitch about not feeling well...

But in the off chance that I do accidentally go back and read this, I'll say this to myself:

Fuck you, Ray.

Doesn't 3 = 8?

I don't know about your town, but where I live we are overrun with Dale Earnhardt stickers. We've got all kinds: the regular little 3s, the 3s with the little wings on them and even the giant number 3s.

But lately I've also noticed that the 3 sticker isn't enough... people also seem to be compelled to have the Dale Junior "8" sticker as well. Isn't it pretty much a given that if you liked Dale Sr you like Dale Jr? The kid's Dad died a tragic death right in front of the nations eyes! Who'd even have it in them to root against the kid?

I just cant see that there are that many people saying, "sure, I loved Dale Sr, but that Dale Jr is a real fuckin prick! As much as I loved his Dad, I hate him!"

For God's sake, Dale Junior is this generations John-John!

I think it's just because people simply can't do enough to show their love for that Dale Earnhardt.

I even saw a guy in my town who has his car decked out in the full Dale Earnhardt regalia. It's a black Nascar-lookin thing with a giant 3 on each door, the advertising stickers, I mean EVERYTHING! I wouldn't be surprised if the guy gets in the thing through the window wearing the jumpsuit and helmet to drive it around. For all I know, he even grew the mustache!

Mustache and jumpsuit or not, this is maybe the craziest thing I've ever seen. Sure, this is taking that idea of wearing the team jersey or even the whole uniform 1 step further - but that's not even what makes it so crazy...

Didn't Dale Earnhardt die in a car wreck?!

Maybe it's just me, but I'd be scared shitless to drive that car near any kinda wall. I'm not saying I'm superstitious, but I'm pretty sure that's what people mean when they say some one is tempting fate.

That car makes about as much sense as going sailing on a replica of the Titanic.

I'd like to further illustrate my point, but I have to cut this entry short. My friend just finished inflating our life size model of the Hindenburg, and we have a date with a field in New Jersey.